Cambodia 2017

This headshot was taken in my salon, about a week before I left for a trip that changed me forever.

Outwardly I was a confident, successful, attractive salon boss. People definitely thought I had it all and that I had it all together.

Inside I was deeply sad. I was dying a slow, painful, torturously lonely death of self and no one knew. Looking back at this photo now, it's tough to see how deeply I was burying that sadness.

Before  I tell you about my time volunteering in Cambodia back in 2017, I want to give a little context to how and why I desired to go do what I did there…

In 2014 I attended a fundraiser in Seattle for a foundation called Justice & Soul. It was the first time I was ever really presented with the knowledge that human tr@fficking happens right here at home, not just abroad.

Call me naive but that knowledge was a bit of a shock to the system for me and it really peaked my interest in the subject. Which, of course led to all kinds of research and new awareness about how important it is not just to be aware of your surroundings but also how impactful it is to have a skill to make a living with.

Because…

That fundraiser and the research that followed, was the first time I was ever touched by the awareness that that there are more than just the Liam Neeson version of people being ‘Taken’ into those kinds of situations. Real Talk- sometimes young people are sold by their families due to the extreme poverty in some areas of the world

I was absolutely horrified.

Cosmetology…

The profession which has provided me so many opportunities and taught me so much about the world and about people.

Taught me how to climb over my insecurities and connect with my clients, so I could work my magic and make them feel BEAUTIFUL

This was the same skill being taught to these young people in order to provide income, opportunities and resources to avoid being s0ld into a much more fearsome lifestyle

It was a moment for me to be graciously aware of my own personal privilege

I told myself that day at the fundraiser that I would go there, once they got the school open. I wanted to give my time to help share the trade that had already done so much for me.

Fast forward to the end of 2016…

An experience that violated my bodily autonomy and changed the course of my life.

Had already been sympathetic to what those at-risk young people were going through.

But now the empathy felt even more real, though completely different.

What they must go through mentally was unimaginable to me

I had to go there.

I had to run away and I had to go there.

At the time I was in a marriage which had already been having struggles for a while.

It really fell apart when I felt like I couldn’t confide what had happened to me.

Again when he told me I couldn’t go volunteer at the school Cambodia.

My mind was already made up

My situation felt dire.

Mentally, I just couldn’t be here anymore.

I had to take extreme measures

Was so embarrassed that I’d let things get so out of hand, with the drinking…and that it had led to the incident where I was violated

The shame.

People I’d thought were friends whom I could confide in, were showing me that they weren’t.

The anger.

Felt so abandoned and alone.

Why shouldn’t I go where someone might actually appreciate my contributions and teaching?

Fundraised my broken lil heart out for 6 months

Events, raffles, collaborations

From March of 2017 right on through the last day of August, when I boarded a flight

And in that short time SO MUCH life happened…

I’d moved out of my home at the end of 2016 and had been living in an airbnb while we figured things out

But I knew.

We tried. He did, I did.

But the truth was…

Even before the incident, we’d grown apart

Went to therapy and tried to heal what had been broken inside of me, so I could work on healing our marriage but

He wanted me to heal faster. Pushed me to confide what I still couldn’t reconcile in my own mind had actually happened to me.

Before leaving for Cambodia I:

-Secured a more permanent living situation

-Made arrangements to leave my dogs with other people

-Witnessed the birth of my first niece

-Fired some people who needed to be removed from my business

My salon was falling the fuck apart.

Just like I was.

But…in that time, I also met someone (reconnected with, actually)

A man who just…Understood me, like I’d never felt understood before.

Felt like I could confide in him right away and that changed everything.

BUT

That’s not really the story I want to focus on today.

The point is. Sometimes one decision can change everything.

Through all of that life happening, I was taking clients, running a big salon, hosting events and classes, dealing with that big, recent trauma plus all the little traumas that compounded on top of it and fundraising juuuust enough to get a roundtrip ticket to Phnom Penh and eat while I was there.

For such a long time, my lifestyle didn’t allow me to give myself any space to process or navigate what was happening or what I was feeling, so naturally…

I stuffed those feelings down.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had fallen into a pattern of creating chaos in my life…probably to avoid doing the hard work I knew somewhere deep down that I needed to do

and I would continue to subconsciously create chaos in my life for YEARS until I decided to invest in myself and get some help.

It felt like everything was out of control but I was actually in control of the life I was creating the whole time, I just couldn’t see it.

There’s so much power in self-sovereignty and radical responsibility

Anyways, I went to Cambodia and while I was there, it felt like my entire world shifted underneath me and then kind of just paused for a month and a half   

It was as if I’d been picked up in a little cartoon airplane and zoomed to the other side of the world to see a whole different perspective.

Just what I desperately needed

As soon as I landed, after about 16 hours of traveling I felt…initially a little panicked.

I’d never traveled internationally before and I was leaving a lot of big messes behind.

All of those pesky what-if’s started to circle my mind that first night.

What if I hate it here?

What if I’m totally fucking up my marriage and my life is going to suck forever now?

What if people are mean to me?

What if I can't teach them anything?

What if my business can’t function without me?

What if global crisis strikes and I can’t get home?!

I can really be a worrier ya’ll…

But I didn’t let that fear voice win. I soothed it with reason, logic and a deep inner knowing which I was only just starting to actually listen to, instead of drowning it with medication and alcohol.

I was ok, I was prepared.

I was supported, ready for adventure and I KNEW somewhere deep in my soul that this trip was going be life changing.

Which it absolutely was.

Six weeks

In that time I went from feeling like a scared little weirdo whenever I would walk to work in the mornings (people really stared at me at first, but to be fair…a pale-skinned, busty, blonde lady covered in tattoos is not amongst the most common of sights in that area)

To feeling almost like a local

Comfortable anyways…

Worked as a volunteer in the salon and taught in the training room with the students

Got to connect with them and hear their stories five days out of each week

Was completely blown away on the daily by the talent of these students   

and so humbled by the realities of their day to day lives and problems.

I met people and saw places that I never could have even thought to dream about

Including an incredible encounter with an elephant named Lucky

Took as many adventures as possible on weekends and holidays because,

I knew that once I went home, it would probably be a while before life would allow me to travel like that again (Was right about that)

By the end of 6 weeks, I kind of didn’t want to leave

Knowing I was going back to a totally stressful shit-show of a business that had gotten so big and scary that I wasn’t sure what to do with it anymore.

And my personal life…I can’t even go there right now- It had gotten messy

BUT…remember that guy I told ya about earlier?

I was now 100% certain that I was crazy about him and I had to get back to see where that was gonna go.

And my dogs…I had to figure a way to get my dogs back in my life

So…that’s what I did

Happy to report that today, that guy and I are still happily in love and

Those pups are still with us, they’re 14 and going on 16 years old and (mostly) healthy

It took me a while…and it was NOT an easy journey.

Had so much shame and mental baggage to sort through to get my confidence back.

but the point here isn’t ‘RUN AWAY TO CAMBODIA’

although maybe it is, if that’s what you feel called to do.

The point is

Sometimes when your life feels like everything is swirling around in a big, shitty, awful whirlwind

And you need a new perspective

You gotta put on your mask and goggles and do what ever you can to fly your way through the stinky stuff until you get to where the air is clear, the sky is blue and you can breathe

Even if you have go all the way to the other side of the world, just to get some space.

If you’re committed enough to making it through on your own, you might even encounter someone along the way, who’s willing to shine a light on the runway until you make it through to land on the other side of your shitstorm

I’ve been through some shitstorms and back.

Had my confidence stomped on and my light snuffed out so thoroughly that I spent several years in the dark, wondering if my shine would ever return

Ready for a map and a flashlight to get you through faster?

I might just be the one 🌦️

To guide you right out of your stinky, stormy season ✨

Let’s go pretty girl, it’s your time

Schedule a chat let’s see how I can help