Well, Fuck (Coronavirus Edition)

I had so much in the works and I really wanted my next post to be something helpful and fun, but it’s just not coming out and the things I was working on feel so irrelevant now. I hate feeling like a little rain cloud, but I would be a big ol’ liar if I came through here trying to pretend that I’m not devastated. I keep trying my hardest to stay positive, to create helpful/uplifting content, to remain grateful, to be positive and encouraging, but I am just so fucking angry.

The one thing that I know I can always be no matter what is authentic. The trouble usually comes when I’m trying to be uplifting AND authentic when all I want to do is give up.

I don’t have any good news. Hell, I don’t have any news at all. I’ve been diligently watching this mess.

Here’s what I see: I see the people in charge (who we’ve elected and pay with our tax dollars to represent our best interests) unabashedly protect corporate America first and foremost, leaving the most vulnerable of our country’s businesses and citizens without a lifeline. That kind of greed and disregard for human life that I see at work CONSTANTLY from so many of our elected officials weighs on me heavily. Their first priority was, is, and always will be Wall Street. Small businesses and human lives are nothing more than collateral damage to them. For me, this is my life and I’ve dedicated every last drop of blood, sweat, tears, and resources to it.

I also see that my efforts at sharing the reality of what’s going on in the form of news links, political discussions, and articles go largely unappreciated. Look, I get it, sometimes we have to distance ourselves from the ugliness that hurts us in this world. But sticking our heads in the sand and turning a blind eye to this kind of behavior from our government is what got us to this point where lobbyists can buy laws and business success in the first place. It’s our duty to be paying attention.

Anyone who’s been following what I’ve been up to knows that keeping the salon from going out of business has been my full-time job. The last 3 years have been particularly hard and I was so proud of myself for keeping it together despite a lot of odds stacked against me. Truth be told, I don’t know if I have the energy to do it again so soon.

I see hairstylists who are selfishly still working despite the fact that we have been ordered to close for public safety. Why is my ability to make a living not important but theirs is? Does it really not bother these people to think about the people they could potentially expose to a deadly virus while it silently incubates in their body?

I see tons of people and companies attempting to capitalize on a crisis. It’s one thing to make money despite a crisis, but to attempt to capitalize on a crisis? Disgusting.

I see people DM me to find out “if they can help me” by paying me for a haircut or color on the low, but when I turn them down and ask for their support in the form of a gift card, online product purchase, or even sharing our social media posts, they often disappear.

I see sneaky legislation to further destabilize our environment and take away our rights happening right under our noses while we’re scrambling for our lives and looking the other way (if you think for a second that this is a coincidence, you’re dreaming).

I see our president lying lying lying about EVERYTHING, chuckling at other’s misfortune, and treating this like it’s a game.

I see good things too. I see people helping their neighbors, I see innovation EVERYWHERE, I see people working to put great, helpful information online and sharing so people can find it, I see companies offering free online courses, I see people holding their loved ones close.

I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to show up for my team and my clients. So far, y’all have donated almost $2,000 to help us keep our doors open and the gratitude I feel for every single person who has donated is immense, but I know that in this world where bills are still due despite having no income, it won’t last long (shout out to Vagaro for refusing to defer my payment and instead offering me a $25 discount leaving me owing only $85/ month while my businesses is producing zero income).

I’ve been applying for jobs, which puts me in a really conflicting position. I’m supposed to be “staying home and staying safe”, but there’s still no solid relief in sight after 3 weeks of being ordered to close my business. How am I to stay home and stay safe when I have to rely on friends and family to keep food in my mouth and a roof over my head? I also haven’t been hired anywhere yet. I know a lot of people are looking for work so competition is sure to be stiff, but my already naturally struggling self-confidence is taking a bit of a blow there.

I was just starting to get my head above water. I had a little emergency cushion for the business (and the start of a little nest egg for myself) that I wanted to use to give my team some equipment upgrades once I built us a sound safety net. That’s all gone now.

I was also supposed to start my vacation this week. I deserved that vacation.  I scheduled it for myself months ago when I felt the crushing effects of the burnout taking its toll on me. It had been a bright spot for me to look forward to. Instead, I’ve been sitting in my house, applying for jobs that I don’t want, applying for relief (and being denied), waiting on hold for an inhuman amount of time, fighting off hourly panic attacks and severe depression, and trying to find the will to create content in a social media word which (for some reason I still cannot figure out), leaves me feeling like I’m yelling into a void.

I can’t have my therapy sessions, and every time I think I’ve found a solution to a problem, it ends up being a dead end. On top of all of that, my boyfriend still has to go risk his health every day at a government facility that has employed almost no safety measures (you’d think “essential” employees would rate hazard pay or at least PPE during a global pandemic, but I guess “essential” is just code for “expendable”), because the war machine never stops, right? I know I’m far from the only person living every day with worries on worries on worries right now, so it feels so pointless to lament and count the ways in which this has affected my mental health, but it’s crushing me.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to turn, and I’m feeling so tired of trying.

I know Maxwell Salon will come out the other side of this. What we have is so special, but we just have no idea when, and I’m starting to get worried that I don’t want to go back.

I LOVE doing hair. I love my team. I love making people feel beautiful. I love the connections I make with people. I love that I can learn from my clients and offer bits of knowledge to them in return. BUT I’m beginning to come to terms with a thought that has come up for me plenty of times before. I used to believe that I could affect change in the world (or at least, my community) from behind my little chair while doing what I love. I’m not sure that’s true. I feel a strong pull to make a difference in the massive injustices I see happening in the world. The injustice that has been keeping me (and millions of others) down, tired, and working ourselves into an early grave is working overtime right now, and I can’t help but feel hopeless.

I know that’s not the ray of sunshine I’ve been trying to shoot out of my ass for the last several weeks, but it’s real, raw and unfiltered, and I needed to get it out.

Take it however you like. I’m just trying to keep myself alive and motivated.

What could I do/make to add value to your world right now? I really want the content that I’m using my precious energy reserves to create to be of use to people, but I’ve been yelling into the void with almost no feedback for such a long time that I don’t know where to start creating the content that my clients want to see.

Stay tuned, this too shall pass. In some way or another, it will pass.

Please reach out, the quiet is deafening and I could use some words of encouragement.

Real talk, real love.

— ✌🏻❤️